After having my first encounter with this show (specifically a rerun of Season 4 Episode 3) a few weeks ago, I honestly intended to write a lot more concerning this horrific train wreck of a reality series, ranting in excessive detail about some of the utterly drunk-dancing-monkey mental mothers that are crawling out from under rocks in almost every state. However, back in 2011 someone went and wrote the perfect post about T&T which I came across today, and therefore for me to even try and write something on the same subject would be a gross disservice to humanity.
Hats off to those glorious people over at MamaPop – “Deemed “wickedly funny” by web linchpin Mashable, MamaPop is smart pop culture analysis by opinionated, brainy writers from the parenting blogosphere, and features posts on pop culture, entertainment, and current affairs from the modern parent’s perspective” – for their post with the deceptively simple title, ‘Toddlers and Tiaras Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Fancy Faces‘, the brainchild of an individual known simply as Simon.
This man has perfectly summed up my thoughts on most of the ‘forcing-my-child-to-become-my-pseudo-puppet’ Mothers, some of whom admit to having had children with the sole purpose of entering them into pageants until they develop an eating disorder or become too old, haggard and used up by the industry to be considered a contestant (which, for the majority of these Lolita’s, is somewhere around age 10).
He also pays homage to the slightly unhinged Kim, stepmother to flame haired Jaclynn (aka Jackie), who would have been a prime focus for my now defunct rant. The name Kim may not ring any bells, but if I tell you that she had absolutely psycho wide eyes during all of her close-up interviews it may dredge up some carefully suppressed memories. I’m sure that somewhere along the line while perusing a pageant guide Kim came across the recommendation that toddlers act excited in order to come across as enjoying what their Mum’s force them to do, widen their eyes to appear more innocent and smile while talking to appear warmer, however while that may work with a cute child entering a pageant, when applied to a 40-something pushy pageant mum the end result is a woman with a bizarrely fake appearance and manner, with energy levels that must force her to reach for the Valium once the camera turns off, locked in a constant battle with her face as she attempts to think and answer questions while smiling and widening her eyes at the same time. It’s a battle that clearly can only have one winner and therefore something has to give, so it’s almost a relief when her eyebrow muscles relax and the creepily wide stare fades, or when the deaths head grimace disappears from her mouth and she returns to something resembling a human form.
This show is all kinds of wrong, but as I said earlier I won’t attempt to stand on the shoulders of giants as I do believe Simon has perfectly summed up this episode. Follow the link and take a peek for yourself, and if you haven’t watched this show yet please make the effort to as, by the end, you will feel so much better about yourself and your childhood and will no doubt appreciate your parents that little bit more (unless you were a pageant toddler, in which case you’re probably reading this from rehab).