Thank you North Korea for bringing joy to my life. When ideas are hard to come by and the old grey matter fails me, never fear, North Korea is here.
North Korean state media has posted a story online announcing the glorious news that archeologists from the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences have discovered the lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong.
King Tongmyong was credited with founding the Koguryo Kingdom in Korea that lasted from 277 BC to 668 AD, although quite where the unicorn riding came into things I’m unsure. The lair was discovered near a place ‘historically’ (by North Korean standards) associated with being a relief stop/fodder layover for the King and his unicorn(s).
The world has had to deal with a number of odd claims leaking out from North Korea, but even this one has left people scratching their heads. What on earth do they hope to achieve? Is it to make themselves seem more special? Because they’re honestly already considered pretty window-licking special by the majority of the world. Is it to subdue and smoosh the resistance of an already repressed and squished people? Because discovering a unicorn lair isn’t going to put any more food onto an already meager table.
Is it just me or does this ancient unicorn lair sign look pretty new, fabulous and laser cut? Doesn’t it also look like a fake scene prop from an original Star Trek or Power Rangers set?
It’s odd that some evil dictators spur the world into action and make all the self-proclaimed saviours hell bent on bringing relief and freedom to an oppressed people, however North Korea remain almost a comedic homage to how dictatorships are run, with occasionally releasing Kim Kardashian-esque attempts at courting media attention like announcing the discovery of an ancient unicorn lair, or building up an epic collection of weapons in various degrees of scary and threatening to unleash nuclear fury on the world, but then accepting much-needed aid from other countries in return for keeping the peace.
Isn’t this a bit like having an aggressive, hyperactive child running around Aunt Bessies’ house in a fury, threatening to smash up her collection of porcelain cats and clowns, and then giving the child more sugar and E-numbers in exchange for being good and sitting quietly for a few more minutes (until their next mental outburst)?
I can’t decide where to categorize this unicorn lair claim amongst an already impressive list of North Korean stories, so I leave it to you to decide where to personally rank it:
- Contrary to factual records documenting his birth in Siberia in 1941, official NK releases state he was born in log cabin in 1942 at his Father’s guerrilla base on Mt. Paektu (NK’s highest mountain), an event accompanied by a bright star in the sky, the appearance of a double rainbow (fabulous!) and the season immediately changing from winter to spring.
- Despite over half of his population starving, he hired staff specifically to ensure that each grain of rice entering the palace kitchen is exactly the same size and plumpness. Due to his godlike sense of self, nothing imperfect should pass his lips.
- When Kim Jong II decided to stop smoking, he banned smoking for the whole of NK – which no doubt was cheerfully received, with cigarettes being one of the few pleasures in a country dominated by poverty and suffering.
- Regardless of the grim situation going on outside his palace window, KJ II loves Hennessy cognac so much that in 1993 and 1994 he was their single biggest customer in the whole entire world.
- According to NK media, KJ II is the most prominent statesman on the planet, and during his birthday people everywhere celebrate by throwing festivals and playing films.
- Kim Jong II invented the hamburger. Yes, this man born in 1941/1942 came up with the much beloved fast food snack that has official recognition dating back to the 1890’s. Despite banning all American food imports into NK, KJ II invented a sandwich that he called “the double bread with meat” to provide a better quality of food for NK students.
- Kim Jong II is the most amazing golfer ever to grace the earth with his presence. During his first ever attempt at golfing, he miraculously shot 38 under par on a standard 18-hole golf course, including a mind-blowing total of 11 holes in one! Unfortunately, the Guinness Book of Records were not around to record this feat, and KJ II immediately retired from the golfing world in order to not depress us mortals any further.
I simply can’t pick a favourite, they’re all so wonderful!